It is spring. I love the spring, in theory. I love the rain, in theory. I love the way the rains come down all at once or sporadically, making the earth greener and smell sweeter and be nearer to my toes than it was covered in snow for months.
The problem is, every spring sadness comes over me in waves and I am sure I will drown. I cannot swim so I figure out ways to float.
I floated through sadness to a friends house where we would watch that grossly ill-fated Game 2 of the Raptors’ defeat but on the way, I noticed the earth. It was all brown and not yet covered in grass and looked . . . inviting. So I stopped, took my shoe off, and stuck my toes into the cool mud, wriggling around in the earth.
Eventually, I was in up to my ankles and buried my hands, thinking consciously of the way my body was connected to the earth. I walk on the same dirt as the goddesses who came before me and I breathe the same damn air as the dinosaurs.
For me, the earth is magic. I mean, duh, it is obviously full of magic and you’re just not paying attention if you don’t see that. But it provides me with a sense of calm and wonder and surety that we are all exactly as we are meant to be.
The non-stop crap weather of Ottawa can be pretty overwhelming for anybody. For me, it’s just another obstacle blocking the pathway between the comfort of my bed and the world outside my attic-cave. I have to actively remind myself to give myself the kindness and compassion and love I try to give to the rest of the world.
Soon, I will get to go on hikes and swim in lakes and camp in parks where this earth that is home to dragonflies and sunflowers will fill me with it’s energy and love.
This week, it is raining and that is another kind of love. This week, that love looks like dark lipstick and all black everything and dried flowers I’m worried will get crushed when I move and mud stuck to my skin. This week, I will repeat over and over the words of a poet I adore: I will love myself despite the ease with which I lean towards the opposite.
We are truly grateful to Fraser Tripp for capturing these shots, u r magical my dear!